the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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