that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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