my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You are the jesus of drinking
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
