finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
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Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
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Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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