Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
