dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
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If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
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I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.