I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
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we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?