So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
