dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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