I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
