are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
