I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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