Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
