If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
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