Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Randomize
