I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
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note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
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I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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