I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
