Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
