So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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