he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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