Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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