yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
