my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
