Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
