the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
