just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
