Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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