Betty ford says i'm here all night
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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