Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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