I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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