Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
