my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
