Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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