I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
