Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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