guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Randomize
