I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
