she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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