There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.