She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
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Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
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My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.