On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
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I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
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Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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