my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
