High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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