Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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