it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
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did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
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I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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