I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
