My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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