ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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