All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
