yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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