True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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