My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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