look no pants
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
