yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
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