My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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