then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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