just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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